drug_disaster (drug_disaster) wrote,
I lose a lot of it, partly simply due to despair and not feeling like it anymore. I can hardly remember things like resolve and not talking to people who do this anymore, because I just feel bad and weak when someone is killing me, ok?

I get so disappointed in myself.

I hear a lot of things that are happening to me, around me. But cannot do anything about it. I go to cops and tell them that my deeply once-loved ex is married to a chick whose father is molesting the chicks 14 year old brother. I meet my ex's sister who is also his first wife, and his mum, who is also his wife/lover. They kinda pester me a little bit, and try and channel me a little. And one time I am praying, somewhere in the kitchen, cuz I am worried about one of the people who are stupid enough to be my friends openly - and she starts eating it, whatever energy I am projecting outside. It does make her look younger...

I am not even surprised that 5 or 6 people in the stupid house are the ones that know of me through the psychic bullshit. One of the people cutting me up keeps lying on top of me when I sleep, when I walk, if I cannot throw him off, he keeps repeating things my father says, the way he says it, channeling my own self, telling people he is my bf. The chick imitates my voice. I wake up at 4 am, and hear her lecture what seems like half of melbourne on some religious bullshit, using my own channels, and her own, imitating my voice so well she could be my sister, while the jerk has his hands elbow deep up my vagina.

I feel a bit desecrated and can't help but feel that it is my fault and that the universe is far too difficult place for me to be in.

I do yoga again, I get cut.

I go blind and stupid, and there's a vampire killing a 6 year old girl while channeling my essence, using my third eye, so that I can see it, liking blood off his fingers, me shouting him to leave me alone because he is creating bad reputation and survival threat to every vamp that is living in Melbourne physically (an excuse, but the politically correct one). thinking that I wish I had strength to kill myself right then, after seeing it. The fright of what I saw was just strong enough to get scared and piss off from him enough to not get channeled again.

I do a lot of stuff. Always wondering how these dicks, the murderers, rapists,child-molesters talked to me for a few days until I noticed that they were not clean, how they talk to some religious Sikhs, magicians, fey, a lot of people that are simply very gifted, and nobody noticed that the man they are talking to is channeling several women's essence, mine included, that he is not hugging me but cling on to me, that he has stain all over him becasus he killed that many people, and that he is a daemon, albeit a big one.

I wonder how it all could be so corrupt, and nobody cares. Especially I. When I possibly lost my fertility over three or four nights treatment, when all that I needed to keep it was to stay up for three or four nights or sleep in some place really cold.

I wonder what happened to my heart that I gave up on things that I considered sacred my entire life, and simply let it be taken away by someone who wanted to eat, eat my child, eat my happiness, eat my life. And it's not a form of divine punishment either. Because killing people has nothing to do with punishment.

By December, I suspect that I am dead. So many things had happened to my heart that I realize that it is the seat of consciousness. One can lose once intellect, but as long as the heart's essence is not tampered with, person will instinctually continuing protecting himself and not hurting anyone that normally would not wanna hurt. But once it is affected by another person, one is almost as good as dead.

I am really tired. Oh, and I am almost completely blind.
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